im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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