i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize