..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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