Fine. I'll sleep in my office
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
