I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
