you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
