For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
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We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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