I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
