i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
