When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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