I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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