am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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