I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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