saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
