My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
