I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
