I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
