eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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