Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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