Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
