If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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