I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
