i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
