4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
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I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
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The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.