party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.