I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
