I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night