Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
