I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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