I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
