just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
