so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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