just tell him i said nine months
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
