Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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