I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
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Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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