After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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