Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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