wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
