It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
