bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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