i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
