I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
