I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The uberlube is also flammable
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
