Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
