I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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