i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
