Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
