Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
