Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
