Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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