I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
