By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
