my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
