my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
