i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
