you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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