just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
