I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
