he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
