she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
