Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
